Aspergers, Because Of You I Have My Unique Treasure

This is a piece I wrote awhile back. It was published on The Mighty where it got some very negative comments. I was personally attacked and so I unpublished it on my website. Today I was reminded of it and wanted to share it once again. I had wanted to write a follow up piece that would have included the following response but I was just too shaken: My son knows that I write about him and that I would never write something that he would be ashamed or embarrassed by. He knows that all of this is my love letter to him and that it is about helping the world to better understand him, bringing awareness, and making connections. The reality is that there are challenges, and for me to deny them is to in some way deny part of who we are as a family. If I didn’t write about those parts, it’s like I’m hiding the truth, like I’m ashamed of him, which I’m not.

ASPERGERS, because of you, I never know what the day will bring when it comes to life with my son

Because of you, my family and I live in two different worlds, the “typical”and the “special”, never quite knowing where we fit in

Because of you, it feels like we’re constantly running a race, but feeling like we’re falling just short of the finish line

Because of you, I don’t know when the next melt-down will come. When it does come, I feel like it’s my fault. I should have done this or I could have done that…. All I want to do is speak my son’s language and give him what he needs

Because of you, I don’t know if I’ll be able to comfort my son when he’s having a hard time and it breaks my heart

Because of you, I question what my son needs in any given moment, despite having a mother’s intuition

Because of you, I mourn things not looking the way I thought they should

Because of you, I feel guilty when my frustration, fear, sadness, and hopelessness shows

Because of you, I have to constantly remind myself that despite my son’s abilities and achievements, he has delays in other areas and I have to constantly adjust my expectations, all while balancing his potential and encouraging him to go as far as he can go

Because of you, I’ve cried so many tears that could never be counted, just like the grains of sand on a beach or stars in the sky

Because of you, moments in my son’s life have more meaning. From seeing my son walk for the first time at over two years of age to him being embraced by strangers for the unique, talented, loving individual he is

Because of you, I don’t know what amazing thing my son will say, think, or do next

Because of you, I’ll hold my son’s hand even if I don’t understand. I’ll never stop trying, even through all of the crying

Because of you, I get to live in my son’s world, a world where no one is old and instead of “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” we “Pick 2 flowers with 1 hand”

Because of you, I’m more vulnerable. At times this can make me feel so weak, but as I embrace the vulnerability I realize that it’s actually making me stronger

Because of you, I’m starting to embrace all the unique things about myself

Because of you, my son will do things in this world that I could never imagine. He is making, and will continue to make, the world a better place just by being who he is

Because of you, I’m empowering my son to embrace who he is, not a diagnosis but a person who has great passions, talents, love, and an amazing way of thinking that just happens to be combined with a sensitivity to sounds, challenges with social skills, filtering, and expressing his feelings

Because of you, I have my son, my unique treasure who I love beyond measure

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